Great Comedy Piece: My Week Attempting Brad's Raw Food Diet in 2013
I left my unhealthy eating habits and went raw in 2013. Raw food that is. Normally, I wouldn’t trust posts I read on Facebook, but when scrolling down my friend Sam's timeline, I couldn’t avoid seeing Brad’s Raw Food Diet, a post from Maggie NottheSimpson Jones. I immediately wanted to know more, so I searched on Google and there it was.
Brad’s Raw Food was widely popular on social media. It was created by a man who also wanted to change his unhealthy eating habits and was looking for a way to change his lifestyle. I wanted to know more because if I decided to do this, I needed to know more about the product. I clicked on the tab that said, “Our Products,” and read a vague description of each product and where I could buy them. Shockingly, Brad’s Raw Food Diet isn’t what I expected it to be from the way it sounded. Still curious, I clicked on Jones’s post and it brought me to Brad’s Raw Food Facebook page. Scrolling through the Facebook page, I noticed Brad’s Raw 7-Day Challenge began October 21 and goes to October 27, 2013.
I thought to myself “Sure, why not give up my unhealthy eating lifestyle?” It didn’t seem like I had to do much. Besides, it was different from all the other diets I have tried and failed. I told Sam about the diet and she didn’t believe that I would make it through a week. I believed I could and I began to look for recipes on Facebook for my diet. It was October 19, 2013, and I had two days to prepare for my diet.
Day 1: Monday, October 21, 2013
I was standing in my kitchen at Straz hall trying to open the box to Sam’s new magic bullet blender. I held the phone in between my shoulder and my ear. “What are you doing?” my mother asked. I guess the noise from me ripping the tape from each side of the box didn’t sound too good in her ear. “I am opening the box to Sam’s magic bullet. She is unable to use it since she doesn’t have a kitchen in Brevard,” I replied. I tell her, I am doing a raw food diet for a week and I made sure to add that it’s not raw meat. My mom giggled completely thinking it was a joke. I finally get the box opened and I removed the unnecessary plastic and began setting the magic bullet, washing the different size cups.
Another skeptic, my roommate Shawn, walked in and laughed because he didn’t think I was going to go through with it either. His plan was to take me to the store to see if I followed through with my plan. He rattled with his keys and opened his door. Then, he dropped his book bag off in his room and he stuck his head out of the door and said, “I will be ready to go in five minutes.” I said, “Ok, I have to grab my shopping list.”
Who knew eating healthy was so expensive? Though many of Brad’s products were online, many were limited to only one store, Whole Foods. Shawn and I walked in Whole Foods; the heather gray-haired clerk asked if we needed help. I asked her about Brad’s Raw Chips and she immediately knew where they were. I was a full-time student, who at the time, was on a payment plan for tuition. I was also a full-time employee at Tampa General Hospital as a cashier . I didn't have enough income to buy all of the items from Whole Foods, but I did buy Brad’s Raw Chips. I brought two bags of Brad’s cheddar chips for $7.99 each. I traveled across the street to Wal-Mart and bought the remaining items on my grocery list. The greatest thing about that diet was that I didn’t have to utilize the stove.
I returned home and began making my first raw meal. I grabbed my computer because I wanted to see what meal was featured on Brad’s website, www.bradsrawfood.com. The website showcased kale, but I wanted a taco salad. I looked on YouTube for the recipe and began to make my dish. I had almost every ingredient because I went to the store just for this dish. I made enough taco salad to last me for next day meals.
I fixed a plate for me and Shawn. I took a bite and the tasteless dish caught me by surprise. It was indeed distinctive and it didn’t taste good, but it was all I had for the next day or two.
Day 3: Wednesday, October 23, 2013
My alarm went off at 4:30a.m. so I could get ready for work. Assuming I pressed snooze instead, I didn’t wake up until 5:20a.m. I was 20 minutes late. I rushed off to work and forgot my lunch. I don’t get off until 5:15 p.m. I was exhausted and not to mention starving. I took my break at 1:30p.m. because that’s when everything dies down. When my break ended, it was usually 2:00p.m. and it didn’t feel like the end world until I get off.
I was sitting on the couch right next to the admissions department texting my friend Christina. My co-worker Chlorietta, or Auntie Chlo (what everyone called her at work) asked me to go to the cafeteria with her. I walked to the cafeteria with Auntie Chlo. Although typically the cafeteria food was nasty and not very tempting, that day it was. Auntie Chlo got the special, which was a jumbo hot dog with chili, cheese, a side of coleslaw, and barbecue chips.
We sat at the next available table because the café was usually crowded. We found a table and Auntie Chlo began indulging in the hot dog. “You want a piece?” she asked. “No, thank you,” I replied. Her hot dog looked so good and tasty. I realized sitting there was only tempting me, so I left and clocked back on.
It’s was almost 5:15p.m.; my manager pulls my drawer and I’ve never been happier. Once I counted my drawer, I dashed out of the office and to the shuttle bus stop. The bus stop was crowded, so crowded, in fact, that I didn’t make it on the first or second shuttle. Finally, I make it back to parking lot one, which is located across the street from Wells Fargo Bank. I am power walking back to campus; I see a few acquaintances wave and say hello. I am almost to Straz, just a couple of feet away.
I swiped my card to gain access to the building and proceeded to the elevators. I got on sticky and smelly elevator number two. The doors opened to the seventh floor and I could already smell something burning. I turned the corner and heard someone’s smoke detector going off. As I walked closer, I knew it was my room with the chaos. Tyrone, my third roommate, burned rice and clogged the sink from pouring the burnt rice down the drain. Tyrone didn’t t really know how to cook or clean because his mom did everything for him. Shawn is fanning the smoke detector with a cardboard box, while Tyrone relaxed in his room with the door closed, unconcerned about the mess he had made.
Eventually, the smoke detector stopped and I began preparing my raw meal. There was a problem. Sam’s magic bullet cup, which only serves one, was now into pieces in the trash. “Tyrone knocked it over when he poured the rice down the sink,” Shawn said. “I don’t understand what is so hard about cooking rice,” I told Shawn. My thoughts immediately went to the same smoothie I had the previous night for dinner. I grabbed my salad along with my raw fruit and blended it all together. Meanwhile, I started eating my cheddar raw chips, which surprisingly were not that bad, but my smoothies were awful.
I called Sam to let her know the news about her magic bullet cup.
“Hey, what’s up?” I asked.
“I am fine, just working on this project for government,” she said.
“There was a mishap with one of your magic bullet cups and it is now broken.”
“How did it get broken?”
“Tyrone knocked it over when he was trying to cook.”
“Oh Lord! I should’ve known.”
“I will replace it, don’t worry.”
“Don’t worry about it B, it is ok.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, it is no big deal.”
We talked on the phone gossiping about Tyrone and plotting on how we can get him back. We then hung up, and I finished my lunch/dinner.
Day 6: Saturday, October 26, 2013
I woke up at 5:30a.m. to begin getting dressed for my law fraternity retreat to Gainesville, FL. I packed my lunch the day before so I wouldn’t have to worry about doing it the day we were leaving. I brushed my teeth, washed my face, put on my clothes and I was out the door. I walked to Sam’s dorm so that we could walk together to Plant Hall, where we were meeting other members. We were traveling to the University of Florida to visit their law school. It was 6:00a.m. and we started our journey.
“We only have two hours to make it to University of Florida,” Sam said. “Open house is at 9:00a.m.” I put my sunglasses on despite no sun being out and put my right ear bud in because Sam was to my left. Our Vice-President John was driving fast, but not fast enough because we lost sight of the car we were following. Sam began to fall asleep while I was jamming to Lady GaGa’s “Do Want You Want.” I tapped Sam because I believed we were lost. John kept saying his GPS was malfunctioning. Meanwhile, I noticed John’s gas tank was almost empty.
It had been an hour and a half since we had been on the road. Ding! Ding! My eyes opened fast because I thought we ran out of gas. John told me that his car had 50 miles to go, despite the flashing gas sign on his dashboard. We got off on the next exit and filled up. It was an hour stretch before we made it to Gainesville, FL.
Finally, we made it to UF and we were a little late. We checked in and took our seats in the auditorium. As the representative from UF spoke, I began nodding off. She spoke for two hours and then it was lunch time. I walked back to John’s car and grabbed my lunch bag. We walked around UF’s beautiful campus and then we walked to the football stadium.
We walked to Main Street, which is at the front of the UF campus, and John noticed Kay’s BBQ. If anybody knows me, they know I love BBQ. As a group, we all agreed to go there. The smell hit me from outside. I stood to the back and listened to what each member was ordering. I waited until everyone had their food and then I pulled out my lunch. “You have to try this,” Sam said. It didn’t take much for me to order the grilled chicken, macaroni n cheese, and baked beans, all for $9.99.
And, then it happened.
I stuffed my face and broke my commitment to Brad’s Raw Food Diet!!! I failed just like the skeptics, my mother, Sam, and Shawn believed! Another failed diet added to the books, but still, a wonderfullife-long memory made.